I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
