i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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