Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
as a side note pls kill me
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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