Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
