I want you more than these girls want KFC
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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