Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
