I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
