you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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