every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Randomize