why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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