I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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