Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
