His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
