Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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