party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
