I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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