she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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