phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
