It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
