if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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