I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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