These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
