Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
