barbara walters just said penis...
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
it glows. i had to have it.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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