she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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