Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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