She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
