He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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