I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
last night I used snow as a chaser
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