i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
We need a shit load of segways right now
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
