You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
