I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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