My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
