I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
