i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
