I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Randomize
