My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
