Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
