Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
