For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
