Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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