can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize