A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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