I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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