Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
