I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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