She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
