I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
