life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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