I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
