i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
