I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
