I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
