I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
