...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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