I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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