that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
