you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
