Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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