i just google imaged poop.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
