she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
