I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
