dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
