My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
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