my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
