Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I didn't notice because vodka
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
