While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
