omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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