we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
