She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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