The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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