i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Randomize
