woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
