The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
