I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Randomize